And they're off...

Along with dusting off your white shoes and belt, buying a few tiki torches at the Target, and finally being able to sleep with the windows open, Summer in Chicagoland always means the beginning of the summer festival season.

Pretty much the Masters of the festival set, the Old Town Art Fair has been packing 'em in for years. It's an opportunity to see some great art (and a ton of lousy art, as well), overpriced homemade jewelry, and munch some chicken on a stick. (What is it about that festival chicken that makes it taste so damn good?)

Forget about the myriad fashion faux pas and the widespread terrible parenting and grammar mistakes you'll see and hear, the most entertaining part of summer festivals is watching the single ladies get all dolled up and then sit around to get hit on by drunk guys. It's such a sociological cornucopia of material...was THAT your best brown tee-shirt? Do you think that Corona hat you got for free at Trader Todd's one night singing karaoke would make some guy notice you? Could your stories about work and your roommate be any longer AND any more boring? And your Miller Lite-fueled dragon breath...niiiiice. About the only saving grace for this pack of pretties is that, at some point, the beer goggles kick in, and you know what that leads to...
The Festival Hookup.
ah, it starts with such promise, such hope. After he buys her the first drink or two, she's thinking, hey, this guy might be different...we can go to Cub games, maybe the MCA on a thursday night, we can hang out at Taste of Lincoln...maybe even out to my folks' for a barbecue in August, maybe he'll come to the family cottage with me for Labor Day...but, inevitably, whether its during that first post-coital Marlboro Light, or later that week on Wednesday, and he still hasn't called, she realizes that she's been had yet again. Another summer of stumbling from beer tent to beer tent in groups of four, just like those SEX AND THE CITY chicks...

But fear not, ladies. There is hope. You can stop the cycle. You can right the wrong. Just avoid any events with plastic banners, port-a-potties, and buckets of Miller Lite. Buy your knockoff sunglasses at that store in the Century Mall, not from a fest vendor. Just say NO to fests.

You'll thank me later.